well. i guess this is where i pour my heart out to you. i don't want to look you in the eyes and tell you these things. because this comes from my real heart, beating now and forgetting to put blood in my fingers because they're cold while i type. even now i can't take myself seriously, i'm playing a game. my heart is ugly. it is filled with my affections for you, and it is ugly nonetheless. you bring out the best and worst of me. i am a sexual creature, and yet i almost repulse at the idea of being sexual with you. before, i don't know what i thought. but now i want to live in my world of comforts and fake people, and i do not want to bring you into it. to sexualize you would be a crime, for you are the most beautiful work of art i've ever laid eyes on. i know you so intricately, and i love each and every fiber of your being. but even as i type this, i feel my heart sinking. i love you, just as the sky is blue. my future is with you, whether we're still in our romantic entanglement or not. even as i sit here typing, i await your response to my emails from 40 minutes ago. you're busy, i'm sure. rarely do you reply late, and i feel horrible for the hour long waits i give you in response. i busy myself with my distractions, and shut out the world because it drains me. our nightly talks don't typically drain me, but last night as we rehearsed our seperation for the thousanth time, i was not in the mood to tell you how my skin bled then. our story is a strange one, we have each other now, but last winter we were each heart-broken beyond recognition. i feel sad to think that it was probably the most you've bled, slow and dragged out as you are. i am glad that you don't hurt the way i do. and though i should be finished with my bleeding, there is a skinny part of me with long black ragged hair that wants to part ways with you and descend into madness. i won't listen to him, i would ruin my life again. but i would never voice this to you. i feel some days that i don't truly love you. i feel sad when i think about it, and when i'm with you i think it all goes away. i don't feel my heart around you, but i can't tell if it's because it's beating too quickly, or if it's not there. but whether or not i love you i know that i am here to stay, for i would be lost without you. you are my purpose and life, the only thing keeping me sane as i am now. i hardly talk to anyone else. i think the summers drive me mad. but i will see you tomorrow, in my bed. and we will play games and kiss and i'll think about leaving marks on you but i won't. i was our first cuddle, first kiss, first hickey, and i will not be first anymore. i do not want my sexual mind to corrupt our relationship. so i will wait for your move, though i wonder if you've abandoned the board. now i am talking to you. you were busy, and you are going to be more busy with our friend. i hardly talk to him, some best friend i am. i don't have the energy, i talk to you 24/7. but not even that, because i am always ignoring you for the blue road or my sexual fantasies or my rotting brain. maybe i would talk to other people more if only they would reach out to me. but i am undesireable, i guess. some of our friends are scared of me, some don't seem to register that i exist, and i bet there are some that don't want to talk to me. even my friends are the same. maybe, if i can make more, they will like me enough to want to reach out. they won't know about the winter. i yearn for the love of someone else, fake people that do not know me. i want to be gentle with the one resting in the house that my friend gifted me, only because it was raining. i hate to think of it, my father wouldn't be proud if he knew, but i don't know if i like girls. you, my girlfriend, are wonderful. and i love you. but you are the only girl i'd ever want, and even then i only kissed you because i didn't think we'd get this far. i wish we were crushes for longer, but even that was ruined by my sex brain. he wants to run you dry, and i will not let him. you are a good friend, and i appreciate that i can be platonic around you. you love being in contact with me when we're in person, and as i was i would have let anybody cuddle up with me while we watched something. because what else do you do? maybe i'm not good at being a friend, but i'm no lover. when we sit on the couch and watch tv, will we be cuddling then, too? i think maybe the contact lost it's feeling because it's all we do, though i appreciate it anyway. my slippery brain can't figure out what i feel about you, other than i feel strongly about you. i'm not some aro/ace with a soulmate. maybe i've said so many fake 'i love you's that i can't figure out if the ones i tell you now are real. all of my relationships with girls were just me not being able to say no to a confession. and they all lasted a week, a month at most. and then there was one boy from all those years ago that i lasted a whopping 3 months with... you are truly my longest relationship, because even if i lose feelings, i'll stay until i get them back. and if i don't, i'll stay anyway because i love you. it's so strange. for most, when it comes to love it's about the heart. but my heart doesn't love you all the time, it's my brain that keeps my love eternal. both of us are very sure about our future, and i want to carry it out anyways because before i met you i didn't plan on having a future. i was scared to grow up, but if i cut my life short, i wouldn't have to. really, it was a lie. i'd only ever do something like that on accident, when i was bleeding in the past. but it was my only comfort to the fact that i really wasn't sure what i was going to do with myself. sometimes i don't know what to say to you, but i'm glad for our stupid conversation quirks. it's getting late, which means we're either going to run our conversation dry or you're going to bring up the winter. i think it's good that we can remember it, but i also feel like that's the only thing pushing our relationship forward. we made each other better, one way or another, but i think we've exhausted it a little. i can only cry over something so much. and i think it's about time both of us move past it, though i'm scared that if we do, we won't have much left. relationships are scary. maybe i'm wrong for staying with you, even when i'm not sure about my feelings. but i know better than to ask for a break, otherwise i don't think i'd get back with you. and it wouldn't be the first time someone's done that to you, and i hate it. i haven't truly lost feelings for you, if i did i would dread every conversation out of guilt. we've (playfully) argued about you letting me get a motorcycle, what pets we'll have in our apartment, where we'll live, why on earth would i throw all of us down the drain over some uncertainty? i'm going to be steadfast in my feelings for you. the only way our relationship will end is if you don't like it. but even now i feel bad for my feelings. i wish i could sort them out, but if it turns out that i don't love you, i won't know what to do with myself. i'm scared that it might be true. but i won't believe it, because i love you. maybe this is him talking again. my negative nancy sex brain. he doesn't like me, he is me, though. i've always been split in half, but there are plenty of traits about the two that blend, the 'split' is not a terribly clear line. but i know it's there. i wonder which half is responsible for my constant forgetfulness. i hate it. or my sensitivity. or my voice. i don't think i like myself very much, but i've changed a lot. both parts are responsible for the things i see at the blue road. i wish i could explain it truthfully to the internet but it's hard when that road invented itself. i'm rambling, but i think that's the point. my guts and all. today i was enlightened as to why i feel this way, maybe this isn't the full story but it would explain some of it. you're mean to me. but i never saw it that way, and i guess that's the consequences of the blinding light that is a first love. but it's okay, we're going to be okay. it's not a good habit for you to have, but we'll help each other and that means i get to point out when you make me feel bad. it's hard to tell, though. i don't think i feel it in the moment, but rather my mood just seems to decline as you dig into me over time. but i'll do my best anyways, because you don't want to be mean and i don't want to feel sad with you. honestly, the thought would repulse me more if not for our time together being muddled by my bummy mood. but we had fun anyway, and my mood barely showed until the end. i think i was excited for you to leave, which i don't like to think about. you played on my phone the whole time and, i'll be honest it does hurt when you outright tell me to shut up. i know that you're joking, but i have a hard time seeing it that way. i think i've been feeling dumb lately, because all i have for company are my mother and her fiance who treat me like an idiot. and there's you, who gets mad at them for it and points them out. i think i'm smart, but being good at school is not the same as being good socially. sometimes i do feel socially retarded. today is our nine month anniversary. only three months until a year. i felt happy when you asked me about going somewhere for our 1 year. because you're sure that we'll stay together until then. i don't think i'm good at pouring my guts out, i make our relationship seem way less stable. these are my guts, so they're not very pretty. but my brain knows love and it is all for you. why i push through my bad moods around you, and why we're going to smooth out any bumps in our relationship. i love you very dearly. i'm such a sensitive guy, i get all discouraged when people tell me to shut up. i just can't seem to take it as a joke, i wish i could. that's why i'm friends with a lot of girls, i'm seen as the 'gay friend' even though i have a girlfriend because i'm sensitive. some guy i am. my love, i don't want to end our relationship because i don't want to have to tell you that i ever lost feelings. twice you've been in a relationship where the other person lost feelings, stayed with you anyway, and then broke up with you anyways. it's a horrible thing and i don't want to be the third. my brain knows how i feel about you, even if my heart is lost in it's strange self-pity and loathing. i don't think i'm fully pretending around you, and i'm not going to leave. i'm so stupidly unsure about everything, and i wish i could just grow up but i guess i still act like a kid. maybe another 5-10 years will mature me. or i'll keep acting like a 15 year old boy.